About Me

I have Asperger's Syndrome. All of my life, I've wondered why I was different from most of the other kids, although I tried not to let it get to me too much. I attributed my "differentness" to my natural aptitude for art, identified myself to others as an artist, and mostly let it be. I got away with it for a long time, too, because everyone sort of expects an artist to be "quirky" or "eccentric". Later, after high school, I took secretarial and data entry jobs as a temporary. I had a knack for computers, picked up things very quickly, and in the dot.com boom of the 90s was singled out by my employers for this talent and was taught technical writing and some programming. From there, I picked up HTML and web design on my own and eventually migrated into server-side web development and programming.

As I got older, I found it more and more difficult to tolerate the social niceties and office politics that are part of the "world out there". I never had seen a purpose in them, but until 1992, I went along with them for the sake of peace. Then tragedy struck. I was attacked in my home in the wee hours of the morning and, unbeknownst to me but as a result of my autism, I acquired a semi-permanent case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. After that, all of the things I'd been able to tolerate before (albeit painfully) became unbearable. Counselling didn't help, but instead confused me even more. I was still able to work, but more because at the time I was progressively spending more and more time on computers and less with people than an ability to overcome the PTSD.

When the recession hit in the US, I began to find it harder and harder to find work. I was no longer able to tolerate telephones, excessive interaction with people, crowds. Moreover, my autistic nature was coming through stronger than ever, and I could no longer pass it off as mere "eccentricity". Job interviews were disasters, regardless of whether they were for web design or simple data entry jobs. I wondered what was wrong with me. I knew the PTSD, while an aggravating factor, was definitely not the reason for the difficulty I was having finding work.

Then a couple of strange coincidences happened. I was casually relating to my husband that I had extreme difficulty as a child in expressing emotions. I had them, always and quite deeply, but I could never seem to figure out how to communicate them. He asked me, in an equally casual manner, if I was autistic. The only "dose" of autism I'd ever been exposed to was from the movie "Rain Man", and I knew that was Hollywood, not real life. So, wondering what autism really was, I ran a search for it and found the diagnostic criteria. A lot of it rang true, but it still didn't fit quite right. The thing that struck me the most was the statement that there were significant delays in language and use of speech. I did not have those delays, and so I nixed the self-diagnosis.

A few weeks later, as a result of some occurrence I can't recall, my husband looked at me and said, "Maybe you're an Aspie!" "What the heck is an Aspie?", I asked. "Asperger Syndrome," he said.

"ass burger?...ass BURGER?...ASS BURGER? WHAT?" (I'm picturing some third world donkey sandwich by now. I'm a donkey sandwich?)

My darling, evil other half has a mischievous streak. He knew full well I was completely misinterpreting what he said, but he let me sit there and echo anyway. Bugger. Finally, he spelled it and told me to look it up on E2.

So I looked it up. The comments about Asperger's Syndrome rang with familiarity, but there wasn't enough to go on. So I asked Mr. Google and found the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrome. I was dumfounded. The criteria was reciting almost precisely who I am, including the non-delay of language and speech (as opposed to "classic" autism). I googled again and found Roger Meyer's Asperger Syndrome Characteristics. It screamed truth at me. I searched some more. Practically every site I found with information on Asperger's Syndrome jumped out and bit me in the nose with revelation. I'd found my answer. I don't just feel different from the "normal world". I AM DIFFERENT. I AM AUTISTIC.

My lifelong search for truth continues, but now with direction. I have joined several online Autism and AS support groups and met dozens of people who are far more like me than I thought possible. We, each individual and unique members of the entire Autistic Spectrum, share many of the same joys, problems, and thinking processes. Because of our uniqueness, we still misinterpret each other a lot, but at the same time we understand each other like no others can. And we process things in very similar ways. Ours is a culture (as one autie put it) where honesty and focus and curiosity reign, and social politics are irrelevant. I've finally found my place to belong. I'm home.